A Lesson in Geography – Dwarves v. Greenskins

Before I start my regularly scheduled program first a redirection to fellow blogger Werit to his post on the new 6v6 Eternal Citadel scenario and the contest to find the hidden Skaven – with yet another skaven sighting on the horizon we continue to ponder their role in the future of War… there has yet to be any mention of another race to work with Order so here’s to hoping that Skaven wont be a third faction or an unplayable dungeon race.

Now onto the regular scheduled program! Yesterday we explored the mind numbing mapping done by the cartographers of the Empire. If I was a general of that faction I would certainly execute my cartographers. ‘I can see the spires of the Inevitable City from here… oh lets go back to Talabecland!’ If the Empire v. Chaos pairing is the example of an army in disarray, then the Dwarf v. Greenskin pairing raises the greatest question Warhammer will ever face: how do the dwarves with their short stubby legs walk so far, so fast, yet remain so fat? Here is today’s map with dots once again based on key locations –

For those not map savvy, this is located just below the Empire map from yesterday. Lets go tier by tier and ponder why dwarves are so fat if they walk so far…

• Tier 1 – Ekrund and Mount Bloodhorn are both actually well placed on the map, the only pairing that makes sense! The only thing that catches my eye is that on the map provided (I don’t know the source) Ekrund is a fallen dwarf hold – while in Warhammer Online Ekrund is under siege, kept safe behind massive stone doors… for how long though? I guess the other dwarves gave up on them and thought them as lost when in fact they live! For those interested the hold of Ekrund is behind the Durak’s Gate PQ (the entire western half of the Ekrund map is where it would be… Oh how I wish I was a developer and could make an epic dungeon…)
• Tier 2 – Marshes of Madness and Barak Varr comprise this tier and damn is that a walk! Did you know you have to pass through the Badlands to get to Barak Varr?? That’s tier 3 and you completely bypass it! And you think this distance is far… both factions have to do it twice! You walk into the other zone once to do one chapter and then walk allll the way back. I am insulted for all the dwarves out there. Not only that but just to the south west of MoM is where the Necropolis of Zandri is… I mean, shoot if dwarves can walk from MoM to Barak Varr then why the heck cant they just jump over the hills to the Land of the Dead?? Why do they need a zepplin to fly a quarter of the distance that they normally walk? Additionally, the dwarves have no interest in the Marshes of Madness in the lore… Mythic sent them there on a suicide mission to mine Oathgold. They’re mountain-folk, they don’t go into a zombie-infested swamp… however for the greenskins it does make sense. Lastly, t2 is the first tier where the dwarf rvr zones become split and a mess. I am convinced whoever did the design/mapping for this pairing was a WoW spy who wanted this game to fail. I think my biggest beef with t2 as an Order player is that the cool zone of the two is Barak Varr, but Order only has one chapter there and is sent back into purgatory. I want to defend Barak Varr damn it, not slug it in the swamps!
• Tier 3 – The Badlands and Black Fire Pass rival the distances crossed in tier 2. The Badlands once again is a greenskin stronghold, with nothing of value for the dwarves – but if you read the storyline they are there to find the secret tunnel to Mount Gunbad to mine brightstone… take a look at the map. That is the damn longest tunnel in the world. It is paired with Black Fire Pass which is the pass into the Empire…. but to get there you have to pass Barak Varr. Again with this pairing Order spends all of its time in the Badlands while the cool zone is left to Destruction to play in. From the perspective of the Greenskins… why would you turn south to Black Crag after Black Fire Pass if you could go straight to Karaz-a-Karak?
• Tier 4 – Our dwarf friends make the trek from the Badlands to Kadrin Valley, while the greenskin foe go from Black Fire Pass (which is within spitting distance of the dwarf capital) way back down south to Black Crag. As with Reikland and Altdorf, the Greenskins pass Karaz-a-Karak when attacking Kadrin Valley, and then turn way back south to hit the capital city. Now two things granted 1)the dwarf/greenskin capitals don’t exist anymore and 2)greenskins are idiots, this is still a rather mindless trek.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think the dwarf PvE storyline is the most well thought out and the one constructed with the most heart, but the geography is a mess. The RvR lakes are a mess. My hypothesis for why dwarves are so fat while walking so far – they are all in fact pregnant female dwarves who drink beer.